The greatest threat to the NFL as we know it…is Ryan Seacrest

Ryan Seacrest takes the field for NFL Kickoff 2013
(Photo: Twitter | @JimmyTraina)

The NFL kicked off its 2013 season with the usual fanfare and festival (albeit 30 minutes late, thanks to Mother Nature). But, at long last…football was back. And we were happy. For a minute.

The Denver Broncos hosted last year’s Super Bowl champions, the Baltimore Ravens. And we learned a few things. We learned that Peyton Manning is still really, really good. That Dallas Clark is not. And that people really don’t like Ryan Seacrest messing with their football.

Yes, Seacrest made an appearance during the Super Bowl in New Orleans earlier this year, but so did Beyonce. And the President. It was to be expected during the most commercialized sporting event on the planet.

But, you can imagine my shock (and that of millions of others), when prior to the start of Thursday night’s Sunday Night Football, I saw a small white dude come swagging (yes, I made it a verb) down the tunnel. As soon as I confirmed it was not Wes Welker, I moaned in agony. It could only be one other person…Justin Bieber. Or Ryan Seacrest. Sorry. That’s two people (or one and a half adult people).

I tweeted. So did many others.

 

 

 

My mother called. She said, “I find it a little annoying that Ryan Seacrest is on football.” My mom isn’t even on social media. And she’s a huge fan of American Idol. But even she could see that Seacrest had overstepped his bounds.

And then, it hit me. The greatest threat to the NFL as we know it is not concussions, or performance enhancing drugs, or lawsuits. It’s Ryan Seacrest.

Remember when American Idol started? Remember Ryan Seacrest’s cohost? What was his name? Exactly. And has anyone ever seen that guy again? Think about it. I’ll wait…

And then there’s Ryan Seacrest Productions, which gave birth to the Kardashians as we know them. And death to Kris Humphries and (now) Lamar Odom as we knew them.

And good God, has anyone put out a missing person report on Julianne Hough since her breakup with Seacrest?

Someone needs to stop this guy. And apparently, that someone is me.

Dear Ryan Seacrest,

You have everything. Why football? Keep the fame. Keep the fortune. Keep the Kardashians. But leave us our football, damn it. It’s all we have. It’s all we care about. And it’s the only place we don’t have to see you.

Please.

Signed,

NFL Fans

America, you are welcome.

XO

Next woman up…football fans lose Faith on Sunday nights

Faith Hill on Sunday Night Football (Photo: NBC)

Faith Hill on Sunday Night Football
(Photo: NBC)

Faith Hill. Women want to be her (or be her friend) and men want to, well…you know. And, that’s pretty much the definition of success as a female. Plus, she loves football. Which makes me want to be friends with her even more!

For six seasons, we waited all day for Sunday night…when Faith hit the stage with her long legs and short skirts and belted out the tune to NBC’s Sunday Night Football. She put us in the mood for the big game, and judging by Twitter…much more.

But, now it’s over. Faith Hill and NBC failed to come to terms on a new agreement. Now Faith is a free agent and NBC is in the market for her replacement:

NBC Television seeks beautiful southern girl who can sing. In a very short skirt. Must love football.

How do you replace Faith Hill on Sunday Night Football? Let’s start with how you don’t:

1) Pink. Not southern. And too tattooed.

2) Britney Spears. From the South. But no longer from this planet.

3) Jennifer Lopez. Over JLo. Even if she is part owner of the Dolphins.

4) Taylor Swift. I don’t want to hear about her latest breakup. Not during football. Or ever.

5) Jessica Simpson. Getting warmer.

Carrie Underwood…a definite maybe.

In the meantime, Faith…call me!

XO