The NFL kicked off its 2013 season with the usual fanfare and festival (albeit 30 minutes late, thanks to Mother Nature). But, at long last…football was back. And we were happy. For a minute.
The Denver Broncos hosted last year’s Super Bowl champions, the Baltimore Ravens. And we learned a few things. We learned that Peyton Manning is still really, really good. That Dallas Clark is not. And that people really don’t like Ryan Seacrest messing with their football.
Yes, Seacrest made an appearance during the Super Bowl in New Orleans earlier this year, but so did Beyonce. And the President. It was to be expected during the most commercialized sporting event on the planet.
But, you can imagine my shock (and that of millions of others), when prior to the start of Thursday night’s Sunday Night Football, I saw a small white dude come swagging (yes, I made it a verb) down the tunnel. As soon as I confirmed it was not Wes Welker, I moaned in agony. It could only be one other person…Justin Bieber. Or Ryan Seacrest. Sorry. That’s two people (or one and a half adult people).
I tweeted. So did many others.
Ryan Seacrest. It’s football night. Get off my TV! Thank you.
— Pigskin ‘N Pearls™ (@PigskinNPearls) September 5, 2013
Weather delay? No, that’s just God saying he can’t stand Ryan Seacrest at NFL opening night either.
— NFL Memes (@NFL_Memes) September 6, 2013
If Ryan Seacrest would just stand still I could bolt his skinny ass and start this game! ⚡
— NFL Jesus (@NFLJesus) September 6, 2013
My mother called. She said, “I find it a little annoying that Ryan Seacrest is on football.” My mom isn’t even on social media. And she’s a huge fan of American Idol. But even she could see that Seacrest had overstepped his bounds.
And then, it hit me. The greatest threat to the NFL as we know it is not concussions, or performance enhancing drugs, or lawsuits. It’s Ryan Seacrest.
Remember when American Idol started? Remember Ryan Seacrest’s cohost? What was his name? Exactly. And has anyone ever seen that guy again? Think about it. I’ll wait…
And then there’s Ryan Seacrest Productions, which gave birth to the Kardashians as we know them. And death to Kris Humphries and (now) Lamar Odom as we knew them.
And good God, has anyone put out a missing person report on Julianne Hough since her breakup with Seacrest?
Someone needs to stop this guy. And apparently, that someone is me.
Dear Ryan Seacrest,
You have everything. Why football? Keep the fame. Keep the fortune. Keep the Kardashians. But leave us our football, damn it. It’s all we have. It’s all we care about. And it’s the only place we don’t have to see you.
America, you are welcome.