NFL Players: “Do These Pants Make My Butt Look Big?”

The anticipated unveiling of the new Nike uniforms for the NFL created a lot of buzz in the offseason.  Once revealed, it turns out…they’re a little too revealing.  And now the players are sounding off.  And sounding more like fashionistas than football players.

Yet, we can’t blame them.  If you thought the thong peeking out of the low rise jeans look was trashy, I give you the jockstrap panty lines through the white pants…

Lions Tackle Jeff Backus (AKA “Baby Got Backus”)

Not a good look.  At all.  Indianapolis Colts Punter Pat McAfee acknowledged as much on Twitter:

And it’s not just the pants.  Apparently, the linemen have issues with their newly “contoured” jerseys riding up and showing off parts of them they’re not so proud of.

Alex Boone, a 300-pound guard for the San Francisco 49ers, told the Wall Street Journal he is not a fan of his new jersey.  Nor is his wife, who upon seeing him in it said, “It looks like you ate a small baby.'”  Boone says he’s not fat, but his jersey makes him look like it.

Can you imagine?  A 300-pound lineman pouring himself into something that was cut for a 180-pound receiver?  Uh…yes?!  The NFL players are getting a small dose of what women have gone through for…forever.  We know all too well how it feels to take our womanly bodies and try to stuff them into a pair of adolescent cut jeans.  Welcome to the club, boys.  No fun, is it?  Call us when they make Justin Bieber the standard of what sexy is for a man.

Nike says they have 40 years in the business and worked closely with players in the development process.  “The uniforms are available in a variety of sizes and cuts for different players with enhanced performance in mind.”  That’s kind of like saying Giorgio Armani designs for all women.  They can say it, but it doesn’t make it true.

So what support can us women offer up?  First, put down the spoon and step away from the Ben and Jerry’s.  Even though it may feel like it right now, that stuff is not your friend.  Even the one they call “yogurt.”  As far as the pants go, there are these things called Spanx that will change your life.  Everyone from Oprah to Gwyneth Paltrow swear by them.  And remember, you are not a number.  Even if you wear one for a living.

If nothing else changes, players should start saving up.  Because in addition to the fines they face from the NFL, they could also be levied by the Fashion Police.  And Joan Rivers is much less forgiving than Roger Goodell.

Even less forgiving than those white pants.

XO

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