It’s weird in Jerry World

Cowboys Owner/President/General Manager Jerry Jones (Photo: USA Today)

Cowboys Owner/President/General Manager Jerry Jones
(Photo: USA Today)

Remember when you were little? And you could be anything you wanted to be? Then you grew up. And you realized what a super hero gets paid.

Well, that never happens to some people.

Take, Jerry Jones for example. Jerry Jones is the owner, president, and general manager of the Dallas Cowboys. He works at Cowboy Stadium, otherwise known as Jerry World. And when he’s not working (and sometimes when he is), he likes to pretend.

When Jerry Jones bought the Dallas Cowboys in 1989, he fired the longtime general manager, Tex Schramm, and took over complete control of football operations. To this day, Jones remains the NFL owner most involved in the day-to-day operations of his team.

And that’s all fine and good. Until Jerry World collides with the real world.

For example, one of Jerry’s favorite games is to pretend he is part of the team. He is often seen on the field and makes appearances in the locker room after games. In Jerry World, the team wants him there. In the real world…they locked him out once (that we know of).

This offseason, Jerry invented a new game. In this one, paying players what other players make, magically turns them into that player. So, Jerry Jones signed Cowboys quarterback Tony Romo to a six-year $108 million dollar contract extension. In real life.

Jones reportedly told Romo that now that he is making “Peyton Manning money,” he expects him to put in Peyton Manning-type time on the job. Apparently, he would rather have Romo studying tape than playing golf. Fair enough.

Romo recently had surgery to remove a cyst in his back, and will miss most of the team’s offseason training activities. But he’ll have plenty of time to watch tape. Which just goes to show you, be careful what you wish for. In Jerry World and the real world.

Peyton Manning is Peyton Manning. Tony Romo is Tony Romo. It was reported this week that Peyton Manning shot a 77 at Augusta National. Apparently, Peyton Manning time does include golf.

Here’s a thought. Maybe Jerry Jones should start putting in Robert Kraft-type time…and pay someone else to do it.

Pretend is great. But real is better.

For now, Jerry Jones is happy in Jerry World.

Who wouldn’t be?

XO

Coffee Cup Quarterback | Week 10: Livin On A Prayer…

Colts Quarterback Andrew Luck and Offensive Tackle Anthony Castonzo

Whooah…we’re half way there…

Give or take a week.  Or two.

Yes, I was inspired by the music coming from Soldier Field during Sunday Night Football.  And, it just happens to be my personal anthem.  Lucas Oil Stadium (or whoever controls the music at our pad)…take note.

We gotta hold on to what we got…

The Atlanta Falcons that it is.  Trying to hold on to their unbeaten record, the only one left in the NFL this season.  The Falcons played the Saints, who Falcons Head Coach Mike Smith is 2-7 against.  The Falcons fall to 8-1.  The 1972 Dolphins pop the champagne.  And then there were none…

It doesn’t make a difference if we make it or not…

Or so it would seem between the Dallas Cowboys and Philadelphia Eagles.  Or…does it?  Tony Romo is living up to his nickname, Mr. November (no he was not in Playgirl), as he rallies his team to beat the Michael Vick-less Eagles (who left with a concussion in the second quarter).  And there doesn’t look to be a looming quarterback controversy with rookie Nick Foles at the helm.

Also helping the Cowboys, the Giants lost to the Cincinnati Bengals on Sunday.  If Eli Manning’s arm was tired, it’s rested now.  He’s had two games in a row with no touchdowns.  You know what does look tired?  The Giants offensive line, which allowed four sacks on Manning.  And the Giants defense, which was holier than Tim Tebow.

We’ve got each other and that’s a lot…
For love…we’ll give it a shot…

That would be the Indianapolis Colts.  United by love for their sick coach, Chuck Pagano, the players shaved their heads for him this week.  Then went down to defeat their division rivals, the Jacksonville Jaguars.  The Colts, at 6-3, have a two game lead over the other AFC teams in the hunt for a wildcard playoff spot.  Yes, the Colts are the darlings of the NFL…and were also the darlings of the refs on Thursday night.  Still…the Colts are quickly becoming the team that no one wants to play.  Because, they are just that…a team.  And my team, so I may be a little biased.

We’ve got to hold on ready or not…

And the San Diego Chargers were not.  Ready.  At.  All.  For the Tampa Bay Buccaneers.  But, they were cleared of any wrong doing in the Stickygate scandal.  So there’s that…

You live for the fight when that’s all that you’ve got…

Only the New York Jets don’t appear to have any fight left in them.  Or if they do, it is on the bench…praying.  The Jets were beat by the Seattle Seahawks 28-7.  Even Seahawks Wide Receiver Golden Tate had a chance to throw…and he did.  For a touchdown to Sidney Rice.

A few side notes…

The NFL may want to look into this concussion thing, *insert sarcasm* as three starting quarterbacks went out with them on Sunday: Jay Cutler (Bears), Alex Smith (49ers), and Michel Vick (Eagles).  Two of which had something to lose…

And for the first time since 2008, we had a tie game in the NFL.  And just like last time…one of the players was not aware of the rules.  *Insert Donovan McNabb joke.*

Do they not cover this at rookie camp?  Brush up on it during training camp?  If I’m an NFL coach (and I don’t aspire to be), the first thing I do when my team goes into overtime is…REMIND THEM OF HOW IT WORKS!  And maybe have a pop quiz on the NFL Rule Book.  Sorry.  Didn’t mean to yell…

So, here we are.  At the turning point of the season.  Some things are becoming more obvious…others, more puzzling.  The one thing we can be sure of…a wild ride from here.

Take my hand…we’ll make it, I swear…

XO

This post brought to you by Bon Jovi.

Coffee Cup Quarterback | Week 9: Decisions…decisions…

Happy Election Day, America!  Make sure you vote today.  Or…don’t complain about the result.

I’m sure the exit polls are already coming in.  A winner cannot be predicted in the NFL season thus far…but we’re starting to be able to project the losers.

Week nine kicked off on Thursday night with a must win game between the Kansas City Chiefs and the San Diego Chargers.  The Chiefs came out on the losing end of that battle 13-31, which puts them at 1-7.  I’ll just let Twitter take it from there…


Sunday night…another primetime game, another must win game.  But this time, only for one team…the Dallas Cowboys.  Tony Romo’s first pass to the end zone was a throw I could have made.  But he missed it, badly.  Amazingly, it wasn’t intercepted.  Romo leads the league with 13 interceptions this season, yet he had none against the Atlanta Falcons.  Still, the Cowboys fell 13-19.  And that makes the Falcons 8-0 and the Cowboys 3-5.

Which raises some questions…what does the future look like for the Dallas Cowboys?  For Head Coach Jason Garrett?  For Tony Romo?  And you think you have decisions to make today?  How would you like to be Cowboys Owner and General Manager Jerry Jones?  Who was, by the way…locked out of the locker room after the game.  The locker room he built and he owns.


Things are getting a little bizarro in Jerryville.  Just goes to show…you can buy a team, you can buy a stadium, you can even buy an election…but you can’t buy respect.

At least he stuck around for the end of the game.  Tennessee Titans Owner Bud Adams was reportedly so disgusted with his team’s performance against the Chicago Bears on Sunday, that he left during the third quarter and flew home.  The Titans lost to the Bears 20-51.

“In my 50 years of owning an NFL franchise, I am at a loss to recall a regular-season home game that was such a disappointment for myself and fans of the Titans.”

-Tennessee Titans Owner Bud Adams to The Tennessean

And that brings us to the Monday Night Football game of Election Eve.  And, you guessed it…a must win game between the struggling Philadelphia Eagles and the New Orleans Saints.  You know a game is boring when Michael Vick’s brother’s tweets are a highlight.


The other highlight…the halftime interviews with the presidential candidates.  For anyone…who after all the ads, debates, phone calls, and mailings…hasn’t yet made up their mind.  What I really wish Chris Berman would have asked is, “Mr. President, how would you fix the Eagles?”  They lost to the Saints 13-28.  Along with the economy, healthcare, and social security, the Philadelphia Eagles may be a problem that will take longer than four years to fix.

Whatever your team, whoever your candidate…last night and today are what America is all about.  In the end, politics may divide us, but football unites us.

So choose wisely, America. Your future depends on it.

And that goes double for the Chiefs.

XO

And a happy Election Day birthday to my sister, Jennifer!  Congratulations are also in order…as she reclaimed her spot atop the Pigskin ‘N Pearls fantasy league with her team, Don’t Play Like Shiht Zus.  She may shiht when she sees who’s right behind her though…with Doug Martin.

Coffee Cup Quarterback | Week 4: The One With the Real Refs

Week 4 of the NFL season welcomed back the regular officials to standing ovations in every stadium.  It was a honeymoon of sorts…into about the second quarter of every game.  Then they were the same old refs we love to hate.  The games went faster though and I’ll take bad or missed calls by someone who knows the rules any day.

There are a few lingering questions this season and week 4 certainly didn’t put them to rest.

The first, “What’s wrong with the New York Jets?”  Or better yet, “What isn’t wrong with the New York Jets?”  They lost their best defensive player, Cornerback Darrelle Revis last week.  This week they lost Wide Receiver Santonio Holmes, arguably their best offensive player.

And they lost Tim Tebow.  He’s not hurt, they just can’t find him.  On the bench.  Seriously, though…what happened to Tebow Time?  You’re losing 34-0 at home.  And getting booed.  That is the secret recipe for Tim Tebow.  That’s where the magic of Tebow Time happens.  Did Rex Ryan not watch the Broncos last year?

It was speculated that with Sanchez’s confidence at an all time low (how is that even possible when you’re dating Eva Longoria?), Jets Coach Rex Ryan doesn’t want to add to the pressure and create a quarterback controversy.  But he does want to win, right?  During the post game press conference on Sunday, Ryan was asked about the Jets’ quarterback situation and replied, “I think Mark’s the answer.”  Alrighty then.  Think is not know though.  And if you’re worried about Sanchez’s feelings, maybe you should have thought about that before you pursued Peyton Manning, then brought in Tim Tebow in the offseason.  Just saying…

Let’s move on to Dallas.  The Cowboys are another team no one can figure out and they also lost badly at home this week.  Yes, five turnovers will do it.  But I’m only putting half of those on Tony Romo.  Dez Bryant gets two.  And they can share one.  Romo is a very good quarterback who needs some more weapons.  But don’t say that word around Dez Bryant.  And don’t even start with the quarterback controversy.  Kyle Orton?  Please.

I am going to go out on a limb here and call a coaching controversy in the Cowboys’ near future.  I like Jason Garrett, but it doesn’t appear to me that he has the control or confidence of his team right now.  You know who does?  Rob Ryan.  In fact, towards the end of the game on Monday night, Ryan had to tell Garrett to challenge a call he wasn’t aware he could challenge.  The only complaint I have about Ryan is he cut his hair and looks a little less badass now.  Anyway, keep an eye on this one.  You heard it here first.

And for depressed Cowboys fans, there is this…

Speaking of quarterbacks on Monday Night Football, who saw Chicago Bears Quarterback Jay Cutler blow off his offensive coordinator, Mike Tice on the sideline?  Cutler was on the bench after one of few unsuccessful possessions against the Cowboys and Tice sat down next to him with his clipboard.  Cutler got up and left.  Then walked away from him on the sideline.  I am no Mike Tice fan.  But I am no Jay Cutler fan either.  And don’t give me the whole, he’s just a competitive guy thing.  Being respectful costs nothing.  But being an ass can cost a lot.  I’m not talking about how great Jay Cutler’s arm looked, am I?  See…

So there you have it, week 4.  A coiffed Rob Ryan and a skinny Rex Ryan?  Maybe that’s what’s wrong with the Cowboys and Jets…

XO

Bold Predictions for 2012 NFL Season: Cutler Cracks a Smile, Brady Attempts the Impossible, and Eli Loses Some Weight…

Here we are…the preseason is behind us.  The regular season is before us.  And I have a few bold predictions (ten to be exact) for the 2012 NFL season:

10.  Bears Quarterback Jay Cutler will be more likable as a dad.  I didn’t say he’d be a better quarterback, but I do think fatherhood will soften his edges and make him a little more personable, or at least a little more human.  Hey, that commercial he did for The NFL Store was almost funny.  See?  It’s already working.

9.  On the other hand, fatherhood WILL make Tony Romo a better quarterback for the Cowboys.  He put a lot of pressure on himself (some deservedly) the last few seasons, but now seems happy and settled.  That will translate to the field in confidence, that he has someone to come home to…and it’s not Jessica Simpson.

8.  We will discover that Rex Ryan is a better coach when he’s overweight.  Maybe it’s the diet.  It’s possible he’s a little light-headed these days.  I mean, claiming this is the best Jets team he’s ever coached?  That may be more bold than his pre-preseason Superbowl predictions.  He must be seeing something in practice that we’re not.  Namely…touchdowns.

7.  We will learn why no one wants to coach (or play) in Miami.  If you watched Hard Knocks, you’re already half way there.

6.  We will discover that there was indeed something magical about Peyton Manning’s hands under Jeff Saturday’s butt.  Both will have decent seasons, but neither will be able to replicate what they had together in Indianapolis.  Seeing as they’re both playing in outside stadiums now, that’s mostly warm hands and a warm butt.

5.  Tim Tebow will become the starter for the New York Jets.  I don’t know when, but it will happen.  And when it does, the skies will part, the angels will sing, and Skip Bayless will crown him MVP…all before he completes his first pass (just before halftime).

4.  With the Patriots light on receivers, Tom Brady, upon suffering two Superbowl defeats to Eli Manning, will attempt to do the very thing wife Gisele Bundchen claimed he could not…throw the ball and catch it himself.

3.  Eli Manning will finally prove that he is an elite quarterback after all, and is undoubtedly the best quarterback in the Manning family.  Wait, didn’t he do that last season?  Forget it then.  Eli will find new joy playing for the Giants, without carrying a 230-pound monkey on his back named Peyton.

2.  After two weeks of fumbled calls, Father Goodell will finally open his checkbook and sign the NFL officials to a new contract, just in time for week three.  The replacement refs will miss the call, report to work, and flag the league for too many men on the field.  They will try to reverse the call, but won’t remember what it was.

1.  And for my last bold prediction of the season…Terrell Owens and Chad (Ochocinco) Johnson will fall in love (no, not with each other) and ride off into sunset, never to be heard from again.  I know.  I pushed it too far with that one.  Damn, it was a nice thought though…wasn’t it?

Here’s to the 2012 NFL season.  The clock is down to hours…and they’re ticking away.

XO