Wes Welker: I Was Roofied

Broncos WR Wes Welker at the Kentucky Derby in May

Broncos WR Wes Welker at the Kentucky Derby in May

Oh, Wes Welker. You are killing me right now. And not because you got nabbed by the NFL for violation of the banned substances policy. You’re not even on my fantasy team. And with four of them, I basically own everyone.

What kills me, is that you…a grown man, a football player, and a professional athlete, went with the line most commonly used by badly behaved sorority girls: “Someone must have put something in my drink.” Come on, man.

Your trip to the Kentucky Derby last May was well documented. You were photographed (in sunglasses) handing out $100 bills after collecting $57,000 on a bet that should have paid out $42,000. But that’s neither here nor there.

It all sounded pretty epic. So epic in fact, that the NFL decided to conduct a random drug test.

And that was before rumors surfaced that you “popped a molly” at the race. Now, I have to be honest. When I first heard that, I thought someone was referring to a drunken sorority girl. But, no. Apparently that’s what they call Ecstasy these days.

Now, who would want to drug an NFL wide receiver at the Kentucky Derby? Maybe, a drunken sorority girl?! Hoping to take advantage of you? Again…come on, man.

And Just to prove you’re only as good as your following on twitter, my girl Kiki comes out with this one:

I’d ask you what you were wearing, but victim blaming is just not cool anymore. But, in a different tone…just what in the hell were you wearing?

welker-derby4

As it turns out, it’s a good thing you won that extra $14,000. You’ll need it to help cover the $700,000 you’re going to lose in game checks the first four weeks of the NFL season.

Looks like you just learned the first rule of gambling: the house always wins.

Or, in your case…the league.

XO

Brady post breakup: Mad, sad, and really, really tan

Tom Brady and Wes Welker 2012  (Photo: Stephen J Cohen/WireImage)

Tom Brady and Wes Welker 2012
(Photo: Stephen J Cohen)

Somewhere, on a deserted tropical island, with the sun on his face, the breeze in his hair, and a fruity drink in his hand, Tom Brady…is fuming. While his wife and kids frolic and play, he is moping around like he just lost his best friend. Because, well…he did.

After making his own contribution to the team by extending his contract (to free up salary cap space), the New England Patriots returned the favor by failing to re-sign the star quarterback’s go-to guy, wide receiver Wes Welker.

To add insult to injury…for a measly two million dollars, Welker was swayed to sign with the Denver Broncos, where he will become the go-to guy for Brady’s archrival, Peyton Manning, who apparently played a major role in wooing Welker. Peyton also happens to be the big brother of Brady’s real nemesis…Eli Manning.

Yes, life for Tom Brady isn’t all champagne and roses, at least not this week. But don’t worry. After pouting, stomping his Uggs, and refusing to cut his hair, Brady will be just fine.

Why? Because Tom Brady is a professional, a competitor, and a team player. And he has demonstrated  as much on and off the field, most recently with his financial concession. I know, that’s not much of a sacrifice when your wife is the highest paid supermodel on the planet. But, it’s not just about money. It’s also about ego and pride, which Brady is also willing to put aside for the good of the team.

Also, I’m sure Gisele has already instructed staff to remove all photos of Wes Welker from their home (the ones that weren’t removed after Super Bowl XLVI anyway), along with anything with an eight or a three on it.

So…don’t worry about Tommy. After an extended vacation, he will board his private jet, return to his private castle, and eventually start to play with his new toy, Patriot wide receiver Danny Amendola (Welker 2.0), signed from the Rams during free agency.

And soon, Tom Brady will realize that hooking up with someone younger, faster, and better looking really is the best cure for a broken heart.

XO

Disclosure: I have no idea where Tom Brady is. All I know is that he is “out of the country.” I assume he is on a tropical island because, well…why wouldn’t he be?

Anna Burns Welker makes debut as spokeswoman for Patriots Wives Club

Anna Burns Welker(Photo: USA Today)

Anna Burns Welker
(Photo: USA Today)

Looks like Mrs. Brady handed her position as spokeswoman for the Patriots Wives Club over to someone else…Mrs. Welker.

Gisele Bundchen, wife of New England Patriots Quarterback Tom Brady, was overheard criticizing her husband’s teammates following last year’s Super Bowl loss to the New York Giants.

While being heckled by fans, Bundchen was overheard saying, “My husband can not F***ing throw the ball and catch the ball at the same time. I can’t believe they dropped the ball so many times.” The exchange was caught on camera by theinsider.com.

This time, it was Anna Burns Welker, wife of Patriots Wide Receiver Wes Welker, who went on a rant following the team’s loss to the Baltimore Ravens in the AFC Championship game on Sunday night. Mrs. Welker took to her Facebook page, where she posted the following statement (via thebiglead.com):

“Proud of my husband and the Pats. By the way, if anyone is bored, please go to Ray Lewis’ Wikipedia page. 6 kids, 4 wives. Acquitted for murder. Paid a family off. Yay. What a hall of fame player! A true role model!”

For the record, the Ravens linebacker does have six children by four women, but has never been married. Not sure if that makes a difference, but if you’re going to judge…at least start with the facts.

And by the way, Anna Burns Welker does not have a Wikipedia page. But she is listed on her husband’s…as Miss Hooters 2005. A true role model, indeed. Be careful, honey. It’s dangerous to judge wearing six-inch platform heels. Wouldn’t want you to fall down and hurt yourself stepping off that pedestal.

Patriots Head Coach Bill Belichick took some heat for refusing an on field interview following his team’s loss. He did the obligatory uncomfortable press conference, however…full of awkward silence and yes and no answers.

Here’s an idea…how about we spare the coach and let the Patriots wives handle the press from now on?

They always seem to have something to say.

XO