I Want to Like Soccer, But…


I’m currently watching the USA vs Germany World Cup soccer (or futbol) game (or match). Or, whatever they call it.

And yes, I am writing this story as I’m watching. It’s easy. I don’t really have to look up until I hear the crowd pipe up…which tells me something might happen. Something other than guys chasing other guys around a field.

From my understanding, both Germany and the US advance with either a win or a tie. So, in theory…if this game ends 0-0 (like it is right now), both teams advance. And even if they lose, they advance to play someone. For something. So, as much as this game is supposed to mean everything…it also means nothing.

There’s a clock running on my screen that reads 38:05. And it’s not going down. It’s going up. I don’t know what this means. I don’t know when halftime is. And I don’t know what time the game ends. The last game, I started to get excited when the clock got close to 90:00 and the US was up by one on Portugal. Only, the clock didn’t stop. And then, without explanation, the refs went and tacked on another four minutes or so. Just enough time for Portugal to score. And tie the game. But it was fine. Both teams advanced. Alrightly, then…

Then there are the penalties. Or, yellow cards. What? These guys go and trip, or worse yet, bite someone…and the refs give them a card? Does it come with flowers? A gift card (to pay the fine)? Are you kidding me? “Keep it up, buddy…I’ll send you a card!”

There are no commercials in soccer. Which I thought I would enjoy. But, the truth of the matter is…I have things to do during commercial breaks. Like go to the bathroom. And take my dog out. And refill my drink. So I have to go to the bathroom again…

Hold up! The guy on my TV just said, “If the Portugal result holds, the United States would have to lose by five goals to not advance.” So, basically, the US would have to try really, really hard to NOT advance to the next round.

Well, that settles it. I’m going to Target. And there’s nothing more American than that.

Keep me posted.

On second thought…don’t.