Hard Knocks Miami Dolphins: The One With the Spa Party

Last night was the long-awaited debut of HBO’s Hard Knocks series featuring the Miami Dolphins at training camp.  Much of the show centered around new Head Coach Joe Philbin laying his groundwork and expectations for the season.  He comes off as focused and straight, but more teacher than coach.  He actually seems a little apprehensive during his corrective talks with Vontae Davis and Chad Johnson.  Vontae for taking potty breaks during practice and Johnson for dropping excessive F-bombs during a press conference.  It will be interesting to see how his style plays out on and off the field.

Here are some highlights:

It took HBO producers approximately ten minutes to feature rookie Quarterback Ryan Tannehill and his wife, Lauren, now a celebrity in her own right (for looking the part).  In the few minutes she was on, we learned that she is beautiful, sweet, and a proud dog mom.  Judging by the Twitter feed, this was the highlight of the show.  Debate ensued as to whether she is all she has been made out to be appearance wise.  Guess viewers have a few more weeks to make up their minds on that.

I always wondered what players did during their downtime at camp.  Now we know…they have spa parties and color each other’s hair!  That is, if you can call what they did coloring.  It was more bleaching out patterns and shapes, but regardless it looked like they were having a great time at it.  I think I see a post football career in beauty for some of those players!

And then there was Chad Johnson (formerly Ochocinco, formerly Johnson) being well, Chad Johnson.  He is determined as always and seems humbled by his experience with the Patriots last season.  He says he doesn’t regret it because he learned so much playing for Bill Belichick.  When asked what he learned most he responded, “To shut the f*** up.  For a year.”  Apparently he didn’t learn it well enough, because a few scenes later he has a “talking to” by Coach Philbin for dropping the f-bomb approximately seven times in a row during a press conference.  Philbin tells him he is representing the team and that occasional use of said obscenity may be useful, but that excessive use is just ineffective.  Alrighty then.  The message behind the message, what Belichick said.  Shut the f*** up.

Another motivating factor for Johnson, his new bride Evelyn, who is apparently his biggest fan and his biggest critic.  Johnson claims he got the Heisman in the bedroom last year due to his unproductive play.  One of his motivating factors this season is avoiding a return to “cobweb mode.”  On the other hand, Johnson tells the media if he doesn’t make the roster, his plan B is…porn.  I’m pulling for success on and off the field.  Now shut the f*** up.

Then there is hard-working Rookie Tight End Les Brown.  He hasn’t played football since high school, instead playing college basketball.  He earns his way to camp on speed, but spends much of it on the turf.  As in, on his butt on the ground.  It’s easy to see where this is going and as the Twitterverse speculates, he’s more likely to spend his career wearing a UPS uniform.  I would have had a much harder time with that before his girlfriend walked up at the end of practice and he greeted her with, “You look hot.  As usez.”

Tune in next week to see… if Les Brown can come up with a better pickup line, if Lauren Tannehill really is all that, if Vontae Davis can control his bladder, if Chad Johnson can shut the f*** up, and if the guy who doesn’t wear deodorant still smells like roses, as he claims.

Hard Knocks, indeed.